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From:
Yasinovataya, Donetsk Region, Ukraine
Lives in:
Donetsk, Donetsk People’s Republic
Interests:
sewing, fashion, drawing, animals
Status:
I returned to Donetsk a year and a half ago. Everyone was against it. But let it be an unrecognized republic, or any other kind, let there be war. I’m still going home.
It’s getting scarier all the time. Mom and I have gone to the village of Sedovo. There’s almost no shooting there. Grandma and Grandpa are in Yasinovataya with my cat Kuza, my beloved, who has been with us for ten years. Mom told them to leave everything and join us. They barely made it out and left Kuza behind...
I am completing the 11th grade in Sedovo. I fell in love on the last weeks of school. He was planning to go to Taganrog, but I didn’t intend to go anywhere. I remember a conversation in the locker room:
«Where are you going to study?»
«I don’t know. Maybe in Russia, but where? Do they accept Donetsk diplomas? Do they accept us?»
And that was when I got a message from mom. «You’re going to Belgorod.»
It was always like that in our family. What mother said, I did. I was completely against it, but I didn’t argue with her.
I got really drunk after the graduation. We all went to the river, barbequed, ate cake with our fingers and drank champagne. I had my last 100 hryvnia (there was still double currency then) and I bought a bottle of vodka. I had to go at 6:00 the next morning, and I didn’t want to, so who cares! I plunked that bottle of vodka down at the table, and I don’t know how I got home. I only remember yelling to Grandma, «I’m not going to Belgorod!»
I did not miss the bus. I got up, put on a clean T-shirt, took my teddy bear and a big suitcase with a broken handle. I sat on the bus and sobbed. Suddenly, my boyfriend called. He overslept and ran down to see the bus off but he didn’t make it.
I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know what university I’ll go to. I just keep thinking that I have to go to any university and study anything. That’s what mother said. Returning to Donetsk was the same as dying in my mind, even though I wanted to go home.
I was admitted to Belgorod State University on a scholarship with my Ukrainian passport and almost without any exams. They didn’t teach us social studies at school, so I chose from departments where that wasn’t required. Almost randomly I chose psychology. They took me with a scholarship. When I saw my name on the list, I broke into tears. It was a relief. Enjoy, mother, I got in!
I found out what happened to Kuza. He ran away, but they found him later in the cellar of the house, dead. I believe he sacrificed his life for mom. I didn’t lose any of my beloved people in the war, but I lost my cat.
Mom has been unemployed for a long time. I have a part-time job and I give almost all my money to her. She’s ashamed to take, but she has no choice. We had to sell all the gold jewelry we brought with us. The last to go to the pawnshop were the earrings my grandma gave me for my 16th birthday.
I had had the ideal family: a kindly grandfather, strict grandmother, and mom, an unbending iron lady. Now I know that mother isn’t as unbending as I thought. She’s smoked for years. The world is unfair. It’s complicated with work. They stopped protecting me all at once. I was like «Ahhhhhhh! Here’s life. I have to do something with it.»
Studying is interesting, but they say awful things about students from Donetsk and Luhansk, «You’re taking our scholarship money!» There are lots of guys from Donetsk and Luhansk in our department, but everybody is cool. It’s lucky.
One teacher said,
«What have you seen beyond campus? You haven’t seen anything further than the street behind the university.»
I wanted to stand up and say, even though I wasn’t brave enough to do it,
«Excuse me, I have seen things. I have seen homes destroyed and lives ruined. It’s true, I haven’t been to Italy like you, but I have seen fear in people’s eyes. And I have seen people fight to have their tiny bit of happiness.»
No matter how much I talk about the war here, no one has seen it. Thank God. But they can’t understand me. They know there. They know how frightening it is, how painful. People are losing loved ones. People have loved ones in Ukraine, and you’re here in the DPR. You can’t go there and they can’t come here. How many families are divided, how many have fought because some of them feel one way and others have different ideas.
I got to know the girls and moved into the dormitory. I don’t know what’s going on with me. All I want is to go home. I don’t go to classes anymore and I don’t sleep. At night, I either cry or I draw bright pictures and give them away. I’m just not myself. I have friends, I’m at university, I’m in Russia where there’s no war. Everything is great and I’m suffering.
Probably I had taken a lot of blows. The war. I have to pull myself together and learn to live with it. Moving, a new school, mother couldn’t find job, I was trying to help her… When everything got better, my reserves ran out. I have no strength. I never go out, I can barely stand. My legs hurt like after a workout.
I took pills. I took them, sat down, and I thought, «What have I done? Now mother’s going to come home from work and you’ll be lying here like this.» I vomited and curled up into a little ball. I need to do something about that.
My friend took me to the associate dean. When I saw him, I started to cry. «Sergei Vladimirovich, I’m scared. I tried to kill myself.»
It was hard to confess to mother. She thinks suicide is a sign of weakness, and egotistical. But she listened to me calmly. She was supportive and bought the medicine the doctor prescribed.
I went home to Yasinovataya for the summer vacation. I felt better as soon as I got there. The closer it got to autumn, the more I realized that I wasn’t going back. Education is a big value in my family. Mom said, «You’re not dropping out.» It took me a week to find the words, and then I wrote to mother,
«I know you will all decide I am ruining my life… but we are all fighting for our happiness and this is my attempt to make myself happy, even if I regret it, I will know for sure that it is my fault. That will be right. I don’t want to wrack myself any more, I tried, honestly tried to convince myself that I would deal with Belgorod and everything would be fine. Thinking about going back to Belgorod makes me want to elope/get pregnant/join the Donbass militia /kill myself—anything just to get out of it. I’m not going back. I can’t… I’m not doing this to upset/offend/disrespect you, no, I want to do this to LIVE longer. I want you to hear me...»
Mother heard. I was ashamed. I switched to self-study courses that she paid for, because I could not. I think it was harder for her. She really tried to understand me, but she wasn’t ready to accept that I could make my own decisions and she couldn’t let me fall or stumble, take my knocks.
It was like I had returned to the same point where I was at in 11th grade, when I was supposed to make decisions independently, but I didn’t have the chance. I played it all out again, even though it was very hard for me and my family.
In 2017, isolated clashes continued between Ukraine armed forces and Donbass militias, especially in Avdiivka, Yasinovataya and Kominternovo. The parties repeatedly concluded truce agreements, but did not comply with them. In 2018, Ukraine adopted a law on the reintegration of the DPR and the LPR into Ukraine, which practically constituted a denouncement of the Minsk agreements. Shelling has become more frequent compared to 2017. Alexander Zakharchenko, head of the DPR, was killed in an explosion in a cafe. The second elections of parliament and the heads of republics of the DPR and LPR took place. Ukraine declared martial law in Donbass for 30 days. In November 2018, Denis Pushilin became the head of the self-proclaimed DPR.
I know I am going back to a war, but I don’t care. The main thing is to go home. Everyone is attacking me, «What opportunities will you have there? What will you find there? And a war!» But I want to be here. I want my home. I want to be close to my grandparents, I even want to see our rude drivers again.
Child playing war on the streets yell at each other, «You’re a Ukrainian!» «No, you’re the Ukrainian!»
I feel worst for the children. When the war started, all of us who were for the DPR stopped thinking of themselves as Ukrainian. I am from Donetsk — and that’s it, period. In our group there is a girl who can never remember that Ukraine and the DPR are different things.
«Are you going to Ukraine?» she asked.
«I am going home to Donetsk, home to the DPR. Let it be unrecognized or whatever else. My home is in Donetsk. It’s not Ukraine anymore.»
I probably have it in my blood somewhere that the DPR is my homeland, my flag. They said the black stripe means a dark future, blackness, but it actually symbolizes coal.
New Year’s Greetings from Denis Pushilin, Vladimir Putin and Petr Poroshenko
I celebrated this New year in DPR with friends. We watched Vladimir Putin’s New Year’s greeting. My friend managed to watch Poroshenko and Pushilin too. We watched whoever came on. Outside there are occasional crashes. That’s how they wish us a happy new year.
Ukrainian websites are blocked here, but I loved the program MasterChef, and I still do. It’s only in Ukrainian and I look for it on YouTube. I was watching a show recently and washing the dishes and I caught myself thinking in Ukrainian. That was weird.
We are now closer to Russia than to Ukraine. We have rubles instead of hryvnia, and they teach the history of the DPR in schools, instead of the history of Ukraine. And they renamed the Ukraine shop Moscow.
Whether DPR joins Russia or remains separate, the main thing is that it is for the people. In 2014, people went to fight for their homes and they join the militia now, because they have the highest pay in the Donetsk. An average Donetsk salary is 3,000 rubles, but the militia pays 15,000. Many of my classmates have either left or joined the militia.
My friend said to me,
«My girlfriend asked me if I’ve killed anyone. I was embarrassed and didn’t know what to say.»
I understand that he has killed people. He’s a 20-year-old guy. Someone who kills in peacetime is a murderer, but here, he’s my friend! They are such average guys, only they have seen more. When I look at him, I don’t think that he’s a killer. He protected me, himself, his family, his territory. Those he killed weren’t people for us anymore. They came to get rid of us. After the war, people became united. City Day and May 11, the referendum on secession from Ukraine, are treasured.
I am studying to be a seamstress. I live on 3,000 rubles a month: 900 rubles for the rented apartment (in the DPR apartments can’t officially be rented), 500 rubles on a manicure, 54 rubles a day for transportation. My stipend is 660 rubles. Curfew is from 11:00 at night to 5:00 in the morning. If they catch you, they take you to the police station and you have to pay your way out. So I am always very aware of the time and never leave home without a watch.
I just moved to my own apartment. I got a cat and named her Vasya. She has her own room and shelf in the refrigerator. We took a field trip to an atelier to look at fabrics and perfect stitchery. It’ll take me years to learn to sew like that. But it’s interesting. And that makes me happy.
I used to imagine an ideal world, but now, before I go to sleep, I don’t fantasize, I think about tomorrow. The cat is out of sausage and I didn’t finish my homework.
They’re making noise outside the window, but people are living. They’re fixing things up, children are playing. The main thing is to get to sleep before the shooting starts. Every home has an emergency kit: papers, bank card from the republic’s bank, money, a flashlight, matches, a candles, pillow, rug, canned goods, toilet paper. I haven’t done one yet. But there have been a couple times when I was woken up and knew it was time to do it.
About 1,6 million people have been internally displaced during the conflict in Ukraine, UN says.
Starting April 24, 2019, citizens living in certain areas of Donetsk and Luhansk regions have the opportunity to obtain a Russian citizenship in the simplified manner. Applications will be accepted in self-proclaimed Donetsk and Luhansk People's Republics and sent to Russia for consideration. Applications must be considered within three months of submission. Ukrainian Foreign Minister Pavel Klimkin called the decision «to issue passports in the occupied Ukrainian territories is the continuation of aggression and interference in our internal affairs,» and urged residents of unrecognized republics not to apply for Russian citizenship. Ukraine complained about Russia's move to the UN Security Council.
I have an acquaintance who worked in Poland and came back dressed in a suit. We walk down the street and everybody looks at him. No one does that here, everyone wears jackets. Before the war, people in Donetsk loved to dress up, but now they wear uniforms, or something dull and gray.
Soon it will be Fashion Week in Donetsk. I want to participate, as a model for now. I see myself in five years getting out of a big, big car wearing a skirt and heels, businesswoman all the way. I want to open my own atelier in Donetsk and be financially independent. I’ve already looked at a place for it.
From:
Yasinovataya, Donetsk Region, Ukraine
Lives in:
Sochi, Russia
Interests:
English, education and personal growth, film
Status:
When the war started, I asked my Magic 8 Ball if we should flee. It said yes. I was born in Russia and I thought I would receive a passport fast, enroll in university, learn English and go to America. But it took nine months for me to get a Russian passport in Belgorod, and so I didn’t go to university. So I had to grow up fast.
From:
Donetsk, Ukraine
Lives in:
Kyiv, Ukraine
Interests:
journalism, education, foreign languages, religion
Status:
When they held the referendum, I was one of three in my school who were in favor of Ukraine. But they started to pick on Donetsk in Kyiv, so I had to defend our region. They didn’t understand what I’ve been through.
From:
Gorlovka, Donetsk Region, Ukraine
Lives in:
Gornozavodsk, Sakhalin Region, Russia
Interests:
cars, racing, technology, fishing, snowboarding
Status:
I have dreamed of being a racecar driver since I was little. In reality, I had to help my parents with money. I was 16, and had just finished my first year of technical school, when the war started and my parents decided to flee to Sakhalin. My mom is from here. But if you don’t have a Russian passport, too bad for you. And I didn’t have one.
Creator and executive editor: Marina Bocharova
Designer: Alexei Dubinin
Sound engineer: Anastasia Dushina
Composer: Anton Khristenko
Layout: Alexei Shabrov
Programming: Anton Zhukov, Andrei Ponomarev
Editor: Oleg Skorikov
Photography: Irina Buzhor, Sergei Belous, Reuters, AP, RIA Novosti
Video: Irina Buzhor, Sergei Belous, Dmitry Nazarov
Photo editor: Dmitry Kuchev
Project manager: Yulia Gadas
Translation: Derek Andersen
The following people also contributed to this work: Evgeny Fedunenko, Evgeny Kozichev, Artem Kosenok, Nikolay Zubov
The author would like to thank the following for their assistance: Ilya Kizirov for the storytelling consultation, Vladimir Solovyev, Svetlana Gannushkina, Elena Burtina, the Civic Assistance Committee, Galina Pyrkh, Tatyana Kotlyar, Mariam Kocharyan, Evdokia Sheremetyeva, Slava Volkov and Arina Mesnyankina
© Kommersant. All rights reserved
Commentary
How Residents of Donbass Can Be Admitted to Russian Universities
In 2014, the Russian Education and Science Ministry compiled a list of 17 Russian universities, in which additional budgeted places were allocated for applicants from the southeast of Ukraine. There were 2,500 budgeted places allocated additionally. Students entered preferentially and almost without exams. In 2014, according to the Education and Science Ministry, over 3,800 students from southeastern Ukraine enrolled in reserved spots at Russian universities.
Benefits have not been extended in 2015. «Citizens of Ukraine, including those living in the southeastern regions and being compatriots, can enter Russian universities on a competitive basis and compete for budget places on par with Russian citizens,» the Education and Science Ministry stated that year. «Compatriots can enter by passing standardized exams or having passed the internal entrance tests conducted by the university independently.» To submit documents, you need originals or a copy of an identity card, a document confirming level of education, as well as documents confirming the status of the applicant.
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